The Greatest Gravity Falls Fic Ever Written
by PaperKayak
Summary: Join PaperKayak on her magical journey to create the greatest Gravity Falls story in the history of Gravity Falls stories, with a formula she knows will make her the greatest writer on the site! You know, probably. Maybe. Sort of.
1. Literary Device, LD for Short

Hey. Hey, you. You on the computer. I can see you. I know what you're about to do.

_Um, I was just going to check my Facebook -_

Wrong. Sure, you may have gotten logged on to your computer planning to check your Facebook, and, I dunno, like your photos or harvest your virtual tomatoes or wish acquaintances a happy birthday. But now, you've changed your mind. Now, what you really want to do is write some Gravity Falls fan fiction. And I am going to help you.

_...Wha - no, that's not... who even are you?_

Ha! I find it hilarious that you even had to ask. I go by many names, but around here, I am best known as PaperKayak. I have worked tirelessly for months to hone the delicate art of writing Gravity Falls fan fiction, and I have become something of a legend on this site.

_I just checked your profile. You have, what, two and a half Gravity Falls stories?_

And every word of those two and a half stories is pure gold! Still, not important. As I said several paragraphs ago, I am here to offer you my help. You are going to write the greatest Gravity Falls story ever written, young grasshopper.

_Grasshopper?_

Yeah, you're not really much of an insect, are you. In fact, you don't really exist. You're just a literary device that I'm using to frame my satiric rant. I think I'll name you "Literary Device". LD, for short.

_Does that mean I can call you PK?_

No. Anyway, enough with the formalities. I am about to guide you on an amazing journey. An adventure. In fact, I don't think it would be much of an exaggeration to call this an odyssey. Because I with my magnificent brain, and you with your metaphorical typing fingers, are about to put to text a story that will blow the minds of all those fortunate enough to read it.

_Uh huh._

You see, I have studied this site carefully, and I've been able to see for myself all of those elements of Gravity Falls fan fiction that readers like to see. And it struck me in an epiphany I had while singing Bon Jovi songs in the shower that by simply combining all of these elements into a single magnificent epic, I could create a masterpiece that would make me a hero in the eyes of fallers everywhere.

_So why do you need me?_

Why, LD, do you really think I'm so selfish as to keep such awesomeness to myself and allow no one else to share in my greatness? I consider myself a bit of a philanthropist in that way.

_And I'm ever so grateful._

You know, with this font, it's hard to tell whether or not you're being sarcastic. Are you ready to type?

_I suppose._

Good. Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start). Now, there are lots of different tactics that one could employ while beginning their story. They could start with a prologue in a different setting than the rest of the story to build a foundation for the plot. They could go in media res, starting right at the action. They could use the "how we got here" technique like the show itself did in the pilot.

_Great. So which one are we going with?_

None of them. Instead, I have determined that the ideal place to start a story is to have Mabel and Dipper lazing around the gift shop, bored out of their minds. Because if there's one thing we've learned from Gravity Falls, it's that those two seem to experience nothing but brain-numbing boredom in between those twenty-three minute segments in which something supernatural and legitimately interesting happens.

_That doesn't sound right._

But it is. In any case, this is the absolute perfect occassion to introduce a vital element to our perfect story. If the twins are in the gift shop, then they're going to meet up with some tourists. And among those tourists shall be... wait for it...

_You've been binge-watching 'How I Met Your Mother' on Netflix, haven't you?_

LD, it's extremely rude to interrupt someone who has told you to wait for it. And yes, I have, it's quality comedic programming. But I digress. Point is, one of the tourists that walk into the gift shop is going to end up being the hero of the story.

_Wait, what? What about Dipper and Mabel, or, like, Stan or Wendy?_

Yeah, yeah, those characters are nice and all, but come on, I mean, there are already so many stories floating around about those guys. It's high time that we give your OC some love. Speaking of which, it's time for... drumroll please...

_No._

OC-building time! We are going to create the most beloved OC in the history of Gravity Falls!

Now, let's start with this OC's role in the story. Many writers out there are content with using their OCs as antagonists or as side characters to drive the plot forward. We, however, know better than that. We know what kind of potential wonderful splendiferously fantastic character has, and by golly, she deserves the spotlight!

I know what you're thinking. "Oh, PaperKayak!" you're saying to yourself, and by 'yourself' I mean 'me', "That sounds great and all - as it should coming from a writer of your caliber and prestige - but how will we be able to smoothly slide my character into the established canon?"

_That's not what I was thinking at all._

Well, fear not, for I have come up with some possible solutions. Now, the most common way of bringing a new character into the spotlight is to make them suddenly part of the family. Usually a sibling, to Wendy or the Pines twins or Gideon if you're feeling edgy, and always long-lost in order to hand-wave the fact that they weren't ever mentioned before. However, I'm more creative than that, and I know that the world of Gravity Falls isn't in need of more family members. It is, however, in desperate need of more love interests.

_Oh no..._

Oh yes! LD, when your OC walks through that gift shop door, you'd better make sure that Dipper falls instantly in love with her!

_Doesn't that kinda contradict his big crush on Wendy?_

You might think so. But, see, I figured out a way to fix that. See, all we have to do is make your OC so perfect, that there's no possible way Dipper - or anyone, for that matter - could love Wendy more than her.

For starters, we've got to make her gorgeous. Be careful here; if you make her too gorgeous, then readers will become jealous of her incredible beauty, but you still want to make her beautiful enough that Dipper falls for her instantly. So how do you get around that? Well, you _tell _the reader that your OC is average-looking and Dipper loves her for what's on the inside, but when you _describe_ her, make her seem stunning. Like, say, you could start off by saying she's "medium-sized", which implies that she's about average for height and weight. But then you get to go on to describe her "wavy, golden-brown hair" and her "smooth, pale skin" and "deep chocolate-brown eyes" and "subtle hourglass figure" and "totally rockin' the blue-jeans look".

_I'm pretty sure you just described yourself in overly flattering terms._

As a matter of fact, that's kind of ideal. The best way you can find yourself attached to your character is to make her an idealized version of yourself. Of course, for me, the physical appearance is pretty much perfect anyway, so I don't need to idealize anything.

_You've got to be kidding me._

Do you doubt me? Look at me. I'm beautiful. Heck, if you want your OC to get Dipper's attention right away, you should probably just describe her as me.

_I see. Should I also mention the weird moles on your neck and the crooked shoulders and the stubby fingers and the red nose and the crusty foot calluses and -_

Wow! Wow. Don't know where you came up with that stuff, because that certainly does not describe my appearance at all and I'd appreciate it if you closed out of my Facebook profile. Back to the story. Now, we've got your character onto the scene. It's time to make Dipper and Mabel start interacting with her. To do this, you must first ask yourself. How would Mabel and Dipper be expected to behave? First things first: how would you describe Dipper?

_Like, just listing adjectives? Well, he's timid and sweet and awkward and smart and adventurous -_

Right! He's smart!

_... I'm starting to feel like you're not even listening to me._

I'm ignoring that last comment on principle, LD. Dipper's a smart kid. And you know what? People love smart characters. Look at any work of fiction you can think of, and you'll see that the smart one has mountains of fans. Hermione Granger, Sam Winchester, Twilight Sparkle, Sheldon Cooper. Tell me, LD, why do people love these guys so much?

_Because they're interesting and well-developed characters?_

Right! Because they're smart! So, for Dipper, we're going to milk that 'smart' aspect for all it's worth. If ever an opportunity comes up to have him spout a piece of historical trivia, snatch it up. If an object moves, have Dipper explain Newton's Laws of Motion or whatever. I dunno, science was always my worst subject. Make sure that Dipper has seen every classic film known to man, and only listens to classical piano. And tell me, LD, are you a fan of the works of Leo Tolstoy?

_Um, no?_

Of course you're not. No one is. They're long-winded and dull and full of pointless filler and are excellent as a substitute flower-press kit when your dog breaks your real one. But smart people the world over have perfected the art of pretending that they like it and care about it and can discuss its symbolism without wanting to throw themselves into the Wabash.

_Careful, Kayak, your Hoosier is showing._

The point is, Dipper is going to be one of those amazing people who not only is smart enough to pretend to be a fan of those books, but is actually so super-duper smart that he legitimately enjoys them. Forget the fact that in canon he seems to be most fond of adventure and mystery books. If we're going to do this right, he's gonna need to acquire a taste for old dry political intrigue.

_Have you ever even watched the show?_

Next up is Mabel. When it comes to Mabel, there are plenty of different aspects of her character that we can play with. He love of fashion, for example, or her arts and crafts skills, or her optimism, or her love of boy bands which in the case of Gravity Falls fan fiction is probably just shorthand for One Direction. But you know what people love the most about Mabel? Her randomness!

_Her what?_

Randomness! You know, her ability to just pull non-sequiturs out of the blue anytime she feels like it and be seen as adorable every time. During the time I've spent "surfing" the "world wide web", I've more or less perfected the art of being random in an appealing way. Observe:

TURTLE CUPCAKE CHUCK NORRIS KITTEN NINJA CHEESEBURGER! AH HA HA HA HA HA!

_Are... are you high?_

Only on life, LD. I'm only high on life. But do you see what I mean? Do you see how that was preposterous and adorable and pretty fantastic in ever possible way?

_Actually, it wasn't even that random. You just spouted internet buzzwords. It was honestly kind of annoying._

Annoying, adorable, same difference, right? Now we've got Dipper and Mabel all set to start interacting with your OC. Speaking of which, we should probably give that OC a name. It's kind of dumb to just call someone by arbitrarily assigned initials.

_You've been calling me LD this whole time._

Yeah, but that's different. You're not important. This OC, however, is our key to internet fame and fortune. Any suggestions for names?

_Well, I'd go with something pretty enough that it doesn't get overlooked, but unremarkable enough that it doesn't seem pretentious. Maybe, like, Abigail or Leah or Nicole or -_

I've got it! We'll name her "Benevolence", because names that are intended to completely describe the character are cool. We can call her Benny for short. Masculine names for girls are totally in right now.

So, scene is set. Dipper and Mabel are in the gift shop, enjoying their lazy day. Maybe Wendy or Soos is there as well, if you feel like including them. The little bell rings over the gift shop door, and a group of tourists walks in. Among them: Benny.

_I used to have a dog named Benny._

I don't care. Focus on the story. Benny and those other tourists walk in, right? And, of course, she catches Dipper's eye right away. I mean, of course she does. She looks like me. Why would anyone not be immediately attracted to me?

_Was that a rhetorical question, or are you legitimately asking?_

Rhetorical. Obviously, everyone would be immediately attracted to me. And "everyone" includes Dipper. So, it's time to get the action really started. Have Dipper approach Benny and say something that will really grab her attention, get her interested. Something like, for example, "Hi, I'm Dipper."

_In what universe is that attention-grabbing?_

Hey, it got them talking, didn't it? This is the point where you're really going to get to introduce your character, so you have to jump right in and make every bit of dialogue count. Cut right to the chase when it comes to getting to know each other, too. I know normally employees and patrons don't tend to end up as instant bosom buddies, but hey, artistic liberty, right?

So Benny and Dipper will find themselves caught up in an engrossing conversation. Dipper will tell Benny about his summer and about Mabel, maybe discuss the paranormal creatures of Gravity Falls and top it off by telling her about his favorite books (Tolstoy). And Benny will tell Dipper about how she's here on a sight-seeing trip with her family, and she'll talk about her unique hobbies and her interest in the supernatural and her incredibly abusive childhood and -

_Wait, what?! Run that last one by me again?_

Well, naturally she's going to have an abusive childhood. Seriously, have you ever seen a character you really liked who didn't have an abusive childhood? And now seems like as good a time as any to introduce it as an aspect of her character.

_Well, I suppose if you tread carefully, make it realistic and display the emotional consequences, we might be able to make it work._

Ha! Oh, LD, it's like you've never even read a book. People don't want realistic. They want over-the-top and violent and messy and angst-fueled. We're pulling out all the stops here. Benny is going to have the most tragic backstory in the history of tragic backstories. Think of every bad thing that has ever happened to a fictional character ever. All of that has happened to Benny.

_Wouldn't that leave Benny, like, majorly screwed up?_

Nah, Benny's too perfect to let the world's most horrific childhood get to her. She'll probably have occasional flashbacks to some of the darker moment, maybe some deep-set fear of some item that was once an instrument in her torture (get creative here; maybe jellyfish or friendship bracelets), but otherwise, she's okay. Better than okay. She's smart and charismatic and funny and optimistic and everything you wish you could be but can't because of your introversion and insecurities.

_If it's not even going to affect the character and the story, why even include it at all?_

...

_..._

...

_Kayak?_

I - I don't think I understand the question...

_I'm just saying, the whole "abusive childhood" angle you're going for seems kind of unnecessary._

You know what, LD? You have no idea what you're talking about. People like abusive childhoods in characters. It doesn't matter whether or not it's relevant to the rest of the story. It doesn't have to be. There's no rule stating that the stuff you include in your story actually has to matter. You're just trying to bog down my artistic vision.

_I think I just heard Anton Chekhov roll over in his grave._

I don't know who that is. So, we've had Dipper and Benny meet. I suppose now might be a good time to introduce a plot.

_A plot! What a great idea! Why didn't I think of that?_

...Sarcasm?

_Yeah._

I'm getting better at guessing, aren't I? So, plot, plot, plot. Let me think... Well, hm, we've got a nice relationship started between Benny and Dipper. Maybe we can play on that. You know, relationship drama. Everybody loves relationship drama. So, I'm thinking, Mabel sees Dipper being all over Benny, and she starts to get all jealous, and -

_Oh, no, no, no, no, heck no. We are not making this a Pinecest story._

Why not? People seem to like it. I've seen fan art. Lots of fan art. In fact, I wish I could un-see some of that fan art. Nevertheless, it seems like a lot of people ship it and ship it hard.

_I don't care how many people ship it. It's... icky._

Icky?

_Let's just write about something else._

Ugh, fine. But there's gonna be a lot of romance-loving fans out there who'll be sorely disappointed.

_I'll learn to live with the guilt._

Okay, we'll try something besides the romance. I suppose the intense love between Dipper and Benny could be a subplot. But I still want Benny at the front line of whatever the main action ends up being. Although how we'll work that... Ooh! Oh! Wait! Epiphany! Okay, okay, how's this for a plot: Benny has one of the journals -

_How is that possible? Stan has the first journal, Gideon had the second, and Dipper had the third._

Switch that. Now Benny has one of them.

_I dunno. This is my fiirst fan fiction; I'm not sure I'm ready to mess around with canon continuity that much..._

I'm starting to regret picking you as my partner in this endeavour, LD. Fine, have it your way. We'll give her Journal Number 4. It could happen, right? Anyway, Benny and Dipper are chatting, right, and Dipper mentions the journal.

_I thought the journals were kind of a secret._

Yeah, but they're in love. People who are in love don't keep secrets from each other. So, Dipper tells her about this super cool journal thing he found in the woods. Benny gets all excited and she tells him that she has a journal too! She found it in... um, we'll work out the details later. The important thing is, Benny has a journal. So Dipper and Benny will go off so she can show him her journal, and, here's where the plot twist comes in. See, Benny will show Dipper this super amazing information in the fourth journal, and that'll be, like, the driving force of the plot.

_Okay, okay. I can actually see this working. What's the info in the journal?_

...Oh, so you don't have any ideas either?

_What?! You're the one who introduced the point in the first place! You didn't even decide yet what your main plot would be?_

I'm winging it! Shut up!

Oh! Ooh! I've got it! Benny's journal has this thing about, like, this alternate dimension and she and Dipper are gonna try and go to it.

_Huh. You know, that doesn't sound half bad. All right, so in this other dimension..._

Well, so, I'm thinking in this alternate dimension, everyone is, like, gender-swapped, you know? And, and everyone gets into these hilarious misadventures based on stereotypical gender difference and it'll be really funny!

_...Or, you know, something else._

All right, how about this other dimension is just like the real one, except that everyone's a pony!

_Wait, we're doing a crossover with My Little Pony?_

What? No, no, it has nothing to do with that show. It's just, coincidentally, the alternate dimension is populated with ponies.

_You do realize that everyone who reads it is going to think it's a My Little Pony crossover. We'll probably get reported for miscategorizing it._

Wow, still with the fun-crushing, huh, LD? Fine, no ponies. Oh, I've got it! In this other dimension, the personalities of everyone are reversed! So, like, Dipper and Mabel are evil and people like Gideon and Pacifica are the heroes!

_Why would we want to do that?_

Well, I mean, it's a really interesting concept, trying to make everyone their own polar opposite and all.

_Yeah, but Dipper and Mabel are absolute sweethearts, and that's what we love about them. And Pacifica and Gideon are self-centered jerks, and they're perfect at it and we love to hate them. Why on earth would you want to get rid of everything that makes a character who they are?_

Because it's artistic.

_No it's not._

Okay, you know what, LD? You are making this really, really difficult. I tried picking out a storyline that would appeal to a bunch of fans, and heck, that has been proven over and over again to approve to a bunch of fans. But you just refuse to climb aboard the Awesome Train. You're just toddling along next to the railroad track with your little Hobo Bindle of Lameness, and if you keep that up, my Awesome Train is going to run you over, and your Innards of Lameness are going to be splattered all over my Awesome Railroad.

_I... I honestly don't know how to respond to that metaphor. Could we just scrap that whole alternate dimension thing?_

Fine. It's okay, actually, because I realized even as I was making those suggestions that building an alternate dimension would just distract from the main point of our story.

_Which is?_

Why, the awesomeness that is Benny, of course! In fact, hey, for the first, say, ten chapters or so, I really don't see why there's any need to introduce a plot at all. We should really use that time to develop Benny and her relationship with Dipper.

Here's what I'm thinking. The stuff we've written so far is chapter one. Chapter two, Benny and Dipper will talk some more and share secrets and blush a lot. In chapter three, they'll go out in town on a date, and everyone will notice how cute they are together and adore them. For chapter four, to get a bit of conflict going, Pacifica will see Benny and, like, insult her hair or something; Benny will cry, Dipper will defend her, and the townspeople will applaud as Pacifica walks dejectedly away, presumably to go drown her sorrows in alcohol or something. Chapter five, more conflict, other guys start flirting with Benny and Dipper gets jealous so she has to reassure him that she still loves him the most and then they make out a bit. In chapter six -

_Stop, stop, STOP! Holy - what are you doing?!_

Creating a story, a story which I notice you are not typing.

_That's not writing a story! That's regurgitating cliches from romantic comedies! There's no arching plot, there's no genuine conflict, there's no development, and heck, there's nothing to make this feel like a story that even belongs in the Gravity Falls universe!_

...So?

_"So"?! What the heck do you mean, "so"?!_

I mean, so what? I mean, I guess that's the kind of stuff you'd see in those books you study for English class or whatever, but this isn't class. The people aren't looking for some epic conflict or amazing writing or anything like that. They just want to see the characters do things they haven't done yet, e.g. date Benny. Look, our goal here isn't quality, per se, but popularity. I'm just putting together things that have worked, and taken altogether, it will become the most popular Gravity Falls story ever written, and by extension, the best.

_But... but shouldn't we at least try? Don't you think maybe the people want to see something new? Don't you think that putting in creativity and time and effort will produce a higher quality work? Don't you think that the Gravity Falls community deserves something more than just cranking out a bunch of cliches and attaching the characters to it like Post-It notes?_

...

_Well?_

Look, LD, I made this whole formula. Dipper smartness plus love triangle plus comedic misunderstandings all divided by the overarching journal mystery, to the power of the Stan Twin Theory plus -

_Screw your formula!_

Gasp! You take that back!

_No! No, I won't take it back! In fact, I'll say it again! Screw your formula! Screw it, screw it around the block and back again! And you know what? Screw YOU! Screw you, PaperKayak!_

...

_..._

That... that really hurt, LD.

_I, uh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean -_

You really know how to go for the jugular, don't you?

_I guess I kinda lost my temper. I'm very sorry._

...

_Kayak?_

I heard you.

Do..._ uh, do you forgive me?_

No.

_Look, Kayak, I'm sorry, I really am. But what I said was true. You can't just find something that worked and repeat it again and again. You can't just combine two things and assume they'll produce something better than their sum. And holy cow, Kayak, you can't make a formula for a perfect story. It just doesn't work like that. These characters and this setting and this story aren't a math problem. If we're going to make a quality story, we have to do something new with them. We have to go in with a plan, we have to realize what we love about the characters and put that in the spitlight. We have to worry more about the quality of what we're making than about how many favorites it gets._

We have to use spellcheck.

_Yeah, we - wait, what? Where'd that come from?_

You just wrote that we have to put the characters in the "spitlight".

_Oh. Huh. That I did. Okay, so, yeah. We have to use spellcheck._

Is there a such thing as a spitlight? Like, maybe something that backlights the spraying water for effect in noir-style comedies? I can see that working.

_Ew, no. What even - look, you're getting distracted, PaperKayak. Were you even listening to what I was saying?_

Um, yeah, you were, like, preaching about originality or something.

_Close enough. But do you see now why we can't go with your story ideas?_

Yes: because you don't understand the market and you're trying to prevent me from being popular.

_What?!_

Yeah, I see through your ruse. I bet you just want to take my amazing story all for yourself. That's why you don't want me to post it, right? Don't want to share? Or just don't want to see me getting any glory? Is that it, LD? Green-eyed monster got you?

_Kayak, don't you understand what you're doing? You're just clogging up the pipes of the Gravity Falls fan fiction universe!_

Come again?

_Don't you see? There may be fans who come here looking to read the exact same story every time. But when we fill up the archive with stuff like that, we leave behind those people who want to see something new, who want to invest themselves in something that took dedication. Sure, there aren't as many, but they care. A lot. And even if your story doesn't become super popular, so what? Those few fans will really appreciate what you do, what you create. You know that saying about how it's better to have one or two great friends than hundreds of acquaintances?_

Well, I suppose that's true. I mean, I really like those few close friends I have, and most of my acquaintances sell stolen human organs on the black market.

_I... wow, I really didn't need to know that._

My gallbladder went missing four months ago and I'm still not sure which one of them is responsible.

_Can we not talk about this now?_

Fine. You were saying?

_Do you want to give this another try, Kayak? Only this time, we forget about that formula you came up with, we forget about trying to be popular, and we just focus on making an original story that we would want to read. Sound good?_

Yeah, sounds good. So I guess we're a team now? We're, like, on equal grounds?

_I guess so. Does this mean you're gonna stop calling me LD?_

Absolutely not.

* * *

Epilogue: Yeah, I know that not every aspect in the story is make-or-break. A lot of them are sort of Sturgeon's Law (90% of everything is crap). As LD pointed out, some of that stuff COULD have worked... if Kayak didn't go and ruin it. :-) The basic point: there are a lot of things in fics that work, and that are liked, but it's silly to think that putting it in automatically means your story's good. Like, remember how while the Harry Potter series was going, about a gazillion book series came out about magical boarding schools? Some of them were really good. others just saw that the concept was successful before and ran with it. So, yeah, there's no rules about what does and does not work, or what can and cannot be included in a good story. This is basically just saying, "Hey, guys, that's not how this is supposed to go. This is not what writing is about."


	2. The Royal Street Gang

Hey! Hey, LD! Over here! I'm over here! Are you ready? Are we going to do this? Are you ready to write the best Gravity Falls fic ever?

_You don't have to yell, Kayak. I'm right here. In fact, I never left. I don't exist._

Oh, yeah. I nearly forgot that you're just a figment of my imagination. That's... wow, psychologically, that doesn't sound too good for me. Oh, well, whatever. I'm just too excited to think about my psychological problems today! I'm ready to write!

_Um, I think I'll do the writing part. You can just, you know, help me brainstorm a bit._

Right. Of course. We're partners now. We're going to, what, like, just volleyball ideas off of each other? Is it hot in here? I feel like it's hot in here. Or, like, that the room is spinning. I brought snacks, by the way. Here, I have crackers and cheese, and I got these drinks called "Infinite Energy". There was a whole box of them in my basement. They taste really good. I can't stop drinking them.

_Ah. Well, that explains that._

Ooh! Okay, so in this partnership, I'm sort of going to be the idea person, right?

_I dunno. You tried being the idea person last time, and it didn't really work out._

Yeah, but I learned my lesson. I've learned that I can't make a story by using a formula. And so, this time, I've pulled out all the stops. Going completely off the book. I'm so far out of left field, I went all they way completely around the world and came back and ended up in left field again. And then went out of that. Basically, I'm not in left field. At all.

_I'm praying that that's a good thing._

And, hey, just to prove that I've been pulling my weight. I've brought the notes that I wrote up of possible plotlines for our story.

_That's great, Kayak!_

Here you go, read them. Tell me what you think.

_Okay, no sweat, I'm reading them. Let's see... "Story One. Idea by PaperKayak. Summarized by PaperKayak. Created by PaperKayak. Concept originated from the wonderful mind of PaperKayak." Um... do all of your notes start out this way?_

Yep. For copyright purposes, mostly. Don't worry, you can just skip the opening credits if you want.

_Alright, here goes. "Story One. Summary. Dipper and Mabel discover that they were adopted at birth. Their real parents own a bakery that is being attacked by the evil wizard Gorvalug and his army of living vegetables, and only Dipper can fulfill the prophecy as the true cake batter mixer and save the future of the baked goods, but along the way, he needs to find himself."_

...So? What did you think?

_..._

...LD?

_What the heck even was that?_

It... it was the summary for my story. Didn't you like it? I tried to be as creative and original as possible. Go ahead and try to find another Gravity Falls story that has had this plotline. What? Oh, that's right. You can't. Because no one has ever done it before.

_Kayak, I think there's a very good reason that no one's done it before._

I know. It's because it's original and bold and daring and new.

_No, because it's bad. Like, really, really bad. I'm pretty sure that the people who wrote those one-season-long drug-fueled cartoons back in the 80s would look at this summary and say, "Wow, this is bad."_

LD, I'm kinda getting mixed signals from you.

_Forget it. Let's just... let's go on to your next idea. "Story Two." Um, about a page of credits, all crediting PaperKayak... ah, here we go. "Summary. In an alternate universe, Dipper and Mabel are prince and princess of the royal family." See, here we go. Medieval AU. I don't think many people have done that. This is good._

Keep reading. It gets better.

_All right. "Dipper and Mabel are close as small children, but one day, when Dipper accidentally hurts his sister with his... ice powers... they start to grow apart. Eventually, his ice powers are revealed to the kingdom, and he runs off, leaving behind an eternal winter. Now, it's up to Mabel to - " Um, Kayak?_

Yeah?

_By, uh, by any chance have you watched Frozen recently?_

Oh, yeah, and I enjoyed it! You know, it won an Oscar.

_Yeah, no, I know that. It's just, um... well, see, I think the plot of Frozen has managed to creep into your work._

Heheh, yeah. I mean, what can I say. Sometimes, certain movies just manage to inspire me. I always feel there's a certain artistic merit there, in taking elements you liked from another work and incorporating it into your own. Fun fact! Did you know that Jackie Chan used to incorporate the style of Gene Kelly's dance routines into his fight sequences? Genius!

_See, I can get that. But this isn't just being inspired by the work. This looks like you took a summary of "Frozen" and used some sort of search-and-replace to stick the Gravity Falls characters into it. I mean, if you were doing a crossover, that'd be a different story, but you can't just take a whole other story. You could base a story off of previous work, but you need to put in some twist, besides just changing the names and appearances._

I'm not following.

_Okay, um, like West Side Story. I mean, it was clearly based very closely on Romeo and Juliet, but they changed elements of it to make it their own. And they didn't just replace setting and character names. They developed different personalities for them, they made alterations to the plot to better fit the setting they were working with. They, uh, you know, they added songs. You see what I'm saying?_

I think so. All right, so here's an edited version of the summary for Story Two: "In an alternate universe, Dipper and Mabel are prince and princess of the royal street gang. Dipper and Mabel are close as small children, but one day, when Dipper accidentally hurts his sister with his dance powers, they start to grow apart. Eventually, his dance powers are revealed to the gang and their homies, and he runs off, leaving behind an eternal dance break. Now, it's up to Mabel to -"

_For the love of all that is holy, stop! No! We are not doing that!_

You sure? Because the gears are really turning here. We could totally make this work.

_No, no we can't. Just, what other ideas did you come up with?_

Well, I suppose we could try number three. It's good, trust me. I'm pretty proud of it.

_"Story three. Summary. Mabel realizes the futility of life, and must kill all whom she holds dear, in the hopes of releasing them from their dull, meaningless existences, and she must now deal with the emotional consequences." Um..._

Erm, yeah, I guess I was in kind of a dark mood when I wrote that one.

_Kayak, uh, do you need to, like, talk to someone or something?_

About what?

_You know... this._

Nah, I've got everything under control. Besides, hey, you have to admit, it's a pretty interesting concept.

_Yes, I suppose that's one word I could use to describe it. But, um, I'm not sure that I could really handle writing a story like this._

Why not? I mean, there's no rule that says that we need to be as light-hearted as the series is. Making it darker and edgier could create a really cool effect. You know, take those familiar characters we love, put them through hell. Get the readers on the edge of their seats, see. You know, those two and a half stories that I've written and that made me a legendary name were darker than the series, and that's part of their charm.

_Well, yeah, no, I get that. But, see, there's "darker and edgier", and then there's... whatever this is._

It could be pulled off.

_I'm sure it could be. But not by me. At least not without sending me into some sort of spiraling depression._

I bet Edgar Allen Poe could write that story, and it would be really awesome.

_That's fantastic, PaperKayak. Tell you what. Why don't you go dig Edgar Allen Poe's body out of his grave, summon a demon, make a deal with said demon to reanimate his corpse in exchange for your soul, and try to talk the Poe-zombie into helping us write Gravity Falls fan fiction._

...I'm pretty sure there's, like, some sort of law against that.

_Sarcasm, Kayak._

Oh, right. Missed it.

_Let's just move on to story number four, shall we? "Story four. Summary. The story is about a duke and an awkward prophet who was once married to an inhibited astronomer. It starts in a large city on a sunless planet. The story begins with an accident while traveling and ends with a training. The issue of pollution plays a major role in this story." Kayak, did you just google a random plot generator or something for this?_

No! I can't believe you'd even accuse me of doing that!

_Kayak..._

Okay, yes. I'm sorry, LD. I was weak. But, hey, I mean, this is basically a writing prompt, right? And people write successful stories based on writing prompts all the time! We could make this work!

_Yes, but normally people can make that work because they have an interesting idea to incorporate into the prompt, or are really inspired by the prompt's subject. Tell me, Kayak: do you honestly want to write chapters and chapters of... this? Pollution on a sunless planet and training and a prophet who's married to an "inhibited astronomer"? What does that even mean? Like, is the astronomer herself shy, or is her astronomy inhibited?_

I imagine that the astronomy itself is inhibited. Not having a sun can't be helpful.

_Look, we're getting off topic. Point: do you actually want to write this story?_

Well... no.

_I just don't get it. You've come up with story ideas before. I mean, your works aren't exactly Shakespeare, but you still made original plots without them being completely crazy. What's changed?_

Nothing. It's just... well, I mean for those stories, the plots came to me in bits and pieces, just hovering around the back of my head for weeks on end. Now, when we're collaborating and all, there's pressure. I can't just crank out plots at the drop of a hat.

_No one's asking you to. Kayak, if you need time to get some inspiration, then take time. It won't do us any good to force it._

You mean it?

_Yeah. Trust me, if you're trying to force words to paper when the creative juices aren't flowing, it'll reflect in the writing. I'm not saying you have to wait for a big revelation or anything, but, yeah, let something come to you._

Thanks, LD. That's kind of a relief. I assume you'll be doing the same?

_I can't come up with ideas. I'm just a literary device, remember?_

Oh yeah. Huh. That makes my work harder, doesn't it?

_I suppose it does. And, hey, you've already got some stuff written down here. Maybe look over them, and you'll get some sort of secondhand inspiration or something. I mean, you've got a lot of... Kayak?_

Yep?

_What's a lemon fic?_

Oh. Ah. Um, you know, just ignore story ideas numbers forty through fifty-eight. That was, ah, that was... never mind. Just, right, as you were saying. I'll take some time off.

_Good girl. Read a book, take a nap. Maybe start hunting down that missing gallbladder of yours, huh?_

No need. I already got a new one.

_...Do I want to know?_

Probably not.

_Great. Well, come back to me once inspiration hits you. And no sooner, got it?_

Got it. This is going to work. I know it will.

* * *

Epilogue: A big thank you to The Word Nerd 424, Constellation Temptation, AnamariaJovel, clicheusername1234, and crazyguitargirl, for leaving your reviews, which is what encouraged me to make this more than a one-shot.


	3. A Parliament of Owls

A/N: Benny is property of PaperKayak. Do not steal or alter. Actually, scratch that. Alter her all you want. As is, she kinda sucks. I encourage theft.

* * *

Hey, LD! Guess who's ready to start working on that story again!

_Really? You've got some new ideas?_

LD, you didn't guess.

_...Oh. Sorry. Hmm, is it you?_

I swear, you have, like, ESP or something. Yes, it's me!

_Great. So, about those story ideas._

Oh, yeah, no, I don't have any of those yet.

_Then why did you say you were ready to continue work on the story?_

Well, see, I don't have a plot ready yet, but I have certain elements of the story that I want to run past you. Namely, the characters. Namely namely, Benny.

_Kayak, I thought we went over this. Benny is... well, she's not exactly a quality character._

And that's why I need your help. See, I took a look at that character description I wrote up for her, and I found myself thinking, "Wow. What a fantastic and amazing character I have come up with. This person is a great love interest, a fantastic role model, and easily merchandisable should we ever want to put her likeness in Happy Meals. Truly, this character is a gift from God or whichever deity you believe in, or don't believe in, I don't discriminate. Why on earth would my close friend and protegee LD ever find fault with her?"

_You thought that? Word for word?_

May have paraphrased. But that's the gist of it.

_I'm trying to think of how best to phrase this. Kayak, are you familiar with the concept of a Mary Sue?_

Like, those rounded little shoes with the buckles?

_Erm, no, I think you're thinking of Mary Janes._

Oh, then did you mean that one dessert thingy?

_Huh?_

You know, the Italian thingy with the coffee and the sponge cake, and there's like, cheese and chocolate or something.

_Do you mean tiramisu? How the heck do you even confuse tiramisu and Mary Sue?_

Well, I'm hungry.

_Basically, a Mary Sue is a character who is idealized to the point of being unlikable._

I'm not following you.

_Okay, um, you know how there's always that one kid at school who's really nice and smart and talented and just an all-around great person, but you simply can't bring yourself to like her?_

Cassie. The bane of my existence. That choir solo should have been mine.

_It's been three years; get over it. Anyway, a Mary Sue is just that. She's a character who shows up and steals the spotlight, and all the other characters love her - unless, say, they're villains - and you can tell that the writer really wants you to like this character too, but instead, you kinda want to rip her throat out._

Wow. Violent much, LD?

_I'm just saying. Here, you said you wrote up a character profile for Benny?_

Yes. On lavender-scented stationery.

_Where do you even get that?_

The Hallmark store.

_Fascinating. Anyway, can I see the character profile?_

Be my guest.

_Okay. "Character name: Benevolence Charisse Alina Mirabella Eileen Gisbelle Jayleen Smith." Wow... please tell me you're kidding._

Why would I be kidding? Benny is a beautiful character, and she deserves a beautiful name.

_I was referring more to the army of middle names._

Well, see, I was having trouble picking just one, so I did that one thing that people do where they just have a bunch of middle names. Like Dumbledore.

_Kayak, how many people do you know who actually have names like this?_

Dumbledore.

_Besides him._

Oh. Well, I think quite a few members of royal families in medieval Europe had long names like that.

_Tell me, Kayak: is Benny a member of a medieval European royal family?_

I really don't understand why this is relevant, but no.

_Right. Benny is a twelve-year-old American girl, and the only twelve-year-old American girls with names like that would have to come from the most pretentious family in the history of the known universe._

We could make that work.

_Change the name, Kayak._

Fine. We'll keep "Eileen" as the middle name, I guess. But I pity your future children, LD.

_At least my future children will be able to fit their names onto their driver's licenses. Moving on. Oh, joy. "Physical description: Eye color: French Sky Blue." What the heck does that even mean?_

You know, it's sort of a light teal leaning more toward blue than green, with a bit of greyscale mixed in.

_Is there any reason at all that you can't just describe her eyes as "blue-green" or maybe "turquoise"?_

Because I'm a poet.

_No, you're not, Kayak. You're really, really not. "Hair color: Golden-brown, with natural blue streaks." You don't honestly need me to tell you what's wrong with that, do you?_

Apparently I do, because I have no idea what your problem is with that.

_How about the fact that blue streaks don't freaking exist in nature?!_

Tell that to the Blue-Streaked Lorikeet, the lovely and affectionate parrot of the Tanimbar Islands.

_... I meant for human hair._

You should have specified. I think you owe a certain species a fervent apology.

_I'm writing out the natural blue streaks. Now if Benny decided to put blue streaks into her hair through actual hair dye, that would be a different story._

Are you serious? You want Benny to synthetically alter her hair through some dumb storebought coloring product like some kind of lame, follow-the-crowd, rebel-wannabe, mainstream conformist?

_Yes._

Fine.

_"Body: 5 feet 2 inches, 72 pounds." Oh boy. Oh man. Kayak, this is not going to work. Eating disorders are a really touchy subject, and frankly, I don't trust you to handle something like that._

What are you talking about? I never mentioned any eating disorders anywhere.

_Well, you didn't write that down, but I mean, 5'2" and 72 pounds? That's not possible under a normal diet or a healthy... anything. That girl's ribs ought to be poking out through her skin, and you can forget about her attempting any sort of physical task._

Look, I've read a lot of stories on these sites. Thing is, people like thin. And if that means slipping under the weight-to-height ratio a bit...

_Ugh. Characters like these is why there's a big problem with body image out there. I just Googled it, and apparently the ideal healthy weight for a 5'2" woman is 110 pounds, and that's not even factoring in things like broadness and curviture of the body or muscle mass._

So what are you saying?

_I'm saying your character is emaciated, and unless you want that to be a plot point, you should really fatten her up._

Okay, okay. Sheesh, LD, it's not a big deal. Heck, when last I weighed myself, I was 72 pounds.

_And when was that, Kayak?_

Ten years ago, give or take. Third grade. Same year I won the county spelling bee.

_I cannot explain in words how much I care about that. Now could we get back to the profile? "Her hair goes down just past her waist..." Normally I'd get onto you about that, but Wendy's hair is that long, so it's possible in-universe. Good job, you finally didn't screw up._

Thank you. I try.

_"Markings: Benny has a birth mark on her upper arm in the shape of... the constellation Orion." Okay, yeah, we have to change that._

What?! No, no way! Remember with the hair-length thing, when you said you'll let it slide when it's proven to be possible in-universe? Well, Dipper's got that Big Dipper birthmark, so obviously, in the world of Gravity Falls, it's possible for birthmarks to be shaped like constellations. And Benny's is shaped like Orion. Besides, it would make a good common ground to kickstart her conversations with Dipper.

_Kayak, Dipper's birthmark is an aspect of him that makes him unique, in and out-of-universe. It's like, his signature thing, you know? Think of it this way: if you were going to put an original character into a Harry Potter story, you wouldn't give that character a lightning-bolt-shaped scar, would you?_

Of course I would. Dude, you don't seem comprehend how cool lightning bolts are. Ooh! Inspiration! Hey, LD, can we give Benny a lightning-bolt-shaped scar? On her forehead?

_Dear God. Kayak, please stop trying to think._

Sure. No problem.

_Moving on. It says here that Benny has a beautiful, delicate figure, with curves in all the right places. How old did we decide Benny was, again?_

Twelve.

_Isn't twelve years old a little early for a person to have__ a beautiful, delicate figure, with curves in all the right places?_

I did. I had one when I was ten.

_You'll excuse me if I don't believe you. Come on, Kayak, let's go for some semblance of realism here. Also, "curves in all the right places"? Really? Really?_

What can I say. It's a lovely turn of phrase.

_"Everyday outfit: A flowing silk magenta peasant-style top, dark blue skinny jeans with flared ankles embellished with pink and silver sequins, strappy high-heeled black sandals, silver hoop earrings, silver bangals, a sparkly gray beret, and a silver heart-shaped locket which was gifted to her as an infant from her dearly-departed mother." Where do I begin? First off, do you understand that Gravity Falls is a backwater small town, and that not even Pacifica dresses that ostentatiously there?_

Well, Benny's special. Cut her some slack.

_And do you plan to have her wearing this outfit for the whole story?_

Pretty much, yeah.

_Even if, say, she needs to fight, or go into the woods, or run, or do anything besides stand around and look shiny?_

Yes.

_Do you understand why that's a terrible idea?_

It's never a terrible idea to look beautiful. Except when it is. Fun fact: did you know that back in the 1800's, some women used to lace up their corsets so tightly that they could break their ribs or cause internal bleeding in the liver or lungs? One lady died when the steel on her corset actually got embedded in her heart.

_Fascinating. Now -_

I know lots of fun facts like that. Fun fact: the orange flavor of artificial orange products like orange Hi-C or orange suckers actually comes from tangerine extract, not orange.

_Could we just -_

Fun fact: a group of owls is referred to as a parliament. A parliament of owls.

_We should really -_

Fun fact: pearls melt if you put them in vinegar.

_Kayak -_

You know, you should really be writing these down.

_Kayak! Please! Stop talking for, like, two seconds! I think I'm getting a migraine..._

Poor timing. You still have to review the "Personality" and "Backstory" sections.

_Ugh..._

Are you okay, LD? Your face looks French Lime.

_Huh?_

It's a shade of green that has a slightly more cyan tint than a bright chartreuse.

_Are all of the colors of your mental rainbow French?_

Just the pretty ones.

_Tell you what. We're gonna take a break. Give me some time to, like, recover from this character profile. Once I'm up for it, we'll go back and take a look at those other sections. In the meantime, don't you have a couple other stories in progress that you haven't updated in a while?_

Oh, right. Well, you know, I've been busy.

_You had time to make this character sheet and write up this chapter. Surely you had time to -_

Shut up! You don't know my life!

_Okay, okay! Sorry!_

Also, don't call me Shirley.

_..._

You know, from "Airplane!"

_Yeah, I got it._

* * *

Special thanks to Scarlet Scribe, Constellation Temptation, crazyguitargirl, Midnight's Haze, AnamariaJovel, TheSnazzyScribe, Alisi Thorndyke, , and The Design Nerd for your reviews!

Hey, do you have any questions or issues about Gravity Falls fan fic that you'd like LD and Kayak to address? PM me, and I'll pass it along. LD will insult you and complain a lot, Kayak will get sidetracked and narcissistic, and somewhere along the way, an answer might pop up.


	4. Spoons, Empty Milk Jugs, and Cat

Hey, buddy. It's me, PaperKayak. You know, your idol. Are you doin' okay?

_Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?_

It's just, you know, last time we talked, you seemed pretty stressed out, and you said that you need to recover and stuff.

_Well, good news. I'm all recovered._

Are you sure? Because the alcohol you're drinking suggests otherwise.

_This is Gatorade._

Yes.

_Kayak, you do know Gatorade is not an alcoholic beverage, right?_

... Pfft. Yeah. Duh. Of course I knew that. Ha. Scoff. I mean, duh, right? So obvious. Everyone knows that. So, change of subject. Now that you're recovered and all, that means we can start working on our story again, right?

_I suppose it does. By the way, did you update any of your other stories during our little break?_

...

_Ugh, Kayak!_

Oh, come on! Spring break's over, classes are up again. You try being creative enough to compose a decent narrative while you have an annotated bibliography and a twelve-page anthropology paper breathing down your neck!

_Shouldn't you be working on those?_

What are you, my mom? Gosh, LD. This is why no one likes you.

_Gee, have I ever mentioned that hanging out with you is great for my self-esteem? Well, never mind. Onto the character sheet, yes? Now, yesterday I took it upon myself to look over what you had written down under "Personality and Background". As you can see, I've gone through and highlighted anything that we might consider to be "problem areas"._

Problem areas? What problem areas?

_Trust me, Kayak. There were a lot. I might have saved time by just photocopying the whole thing onto neon-yellow paper._

When I was in elementary school, there was a whole section on our report cards labelled "Problem Areas" where teachers would write down things we sucked at.

_I really don't think -_

Mine were cooperating properly with others, sharing, saying please, and not biting people.

_Biting people?_

Just teachers.

_...So, yeah. Benny. First thing I have highlighted here is "Personality: Brief Synopsis," which, by the way, is kind of a weird way to label a section. Anyway, apparently, the brief synopsis reads, and I quote: "amazing, special, fantastic, important, brilliant, funny, good, friendly, loving, brave, cheerful, incorruptible, honest, super awesome, perfect." And that's all._

That's all we need.

_Kayak, are you familiar with the concept of rounding out characters? The idea that all characters, no matter how good they are, should have some sort of flaw. Same way effective villains are something besides "pure evil". A character with no flaws whatsoever is not only a dull read, but is 100% unrealistic. Honestly, can you think of anyone at all who can be described the way you just described Benny?_

Tom Hanks.

_Even Tom Hanks isn't perfect._

Yes he is! You don't know what you're -

_"My Life in Ruins."_

Shut up, LD.

_Seriously, think of any character, well, any good character. All of them have some internal obstacle they need to overcome. Like Elsa, from Frozen? She pushed people away, even when it hurt them._

Hey, come on, that wasn't her fault. And she got better.

_Exactly. We like seeing characters get better. We like to see them grow and improve. But when you start that the top, you can't go any higher. Look at Dipper. We all love him as a character, and he's far from perfect. He's insecure and awkward and timid and sometimes a bit of a know-it-all. And he works through it. We like that about him._

Still not following your logic. I mean, everyone loves me, and I have no flaws.

_..._

What are you doing?

_Trying really, really hard not to yell at you._

Good job. Okay, fine, you hate the description. Keep reading. I go into a lot more detail.

_Yes, you do, and frankly, it just takes things from bad to worse. For instance, your "Other Characters and Benny" section: "When Benny walks into a room, all eyes turn to her instantly. It's not just her beauty that causes this. Benny seems to always radiate this aura of kindness and love and joy. With one look, even the hardest of hearts will melt. People are naturally drawn to her, wanting to be her friend."_

Like a perfume commercial.

_I don't think there's a single instance in the history of writing when any part of a piece was described as "like a perfume commerical" and that was a good thing. Kayak, no one radiates auras like this. Odors, maybe, hence your perfume commercial analogy._

But, but, hang on. How about this: Gravity Falls is a fantasy setting, right? So, like, maybe it's a literal aura that's magic and makes people magically drawn to her.

_That's actually a pretty interesting concept, but it won't work here._

Why not?

_Because you made Benny too nice. That aura power thing would be really cool if she used it for nefarious purposes, or it was a burden on her life in some way, but Benny is so happy and pure and vomit-inducing that all it does is make the whole world around her rainbows and sugarplums._

I've never actually had a sugarplum. My grandma once gave me a sugarprune, although come to think of it, it was probably just a sugarplum that went bad.

_Kayak, pay attention. Do you see my point?_

Was your point that you hate happiness, LD?

_In real life, no. But in stories, there needs to be some sort of conflict, and if your character is just walking goodness in a spray bottle, conflict isn't going to happen._

Fine. Well, what do you suggest we do about it?

_Well, for starters, if we're going to make Benny into a realistic character, we need to round her out. Give her some flaws._

I already did. Didn't you read the "Background" section? Her tragic childhood -

_Those aren't flaws, Kayak. They're external. Bad things that happen TO her. Character flaws are bad things that happen IN her or BECAUSE of her._

In her? Like, a gallbladder infection?

_What is it with you and gallbladders? And no. Personality-wise._

Look, I'm not so sure about this. I really like Benny, and I don't want to make her into something evil.

_She's not going to be evil. Come on, there's a whole treasure trove of flaws that characters can have while still being good people. Like the examples with Elsa and Dipper. Maybe Benny is full of herself, or too concerned about her looks. Maybe she tends too be lazy. Maybe she trusts people too easily, maybe she's suspicious and nosy. Maybe she gets jealous, or holds grudges, or is greedy. Maybe she never feels bad and apologizes for her mistakes, or maybe she feels too guilty for them. Maybe she's absent-minded and ditzy, or annoyingly precise and austere._

Maybe she poisons people's drinks for her own amusement and forces woodland creatures to build nuclear weapons.

_Um, let's think smaller._

Maybe she bites teachers.

_...Okay, you know what? Sure. Maybe she bites teachers._

I'm a genius.

_That's a stretch. Anyway, when you're revising this character sheet, make sure that there's some bad to go with the good. And, hey, you could tailor her flaws to match her good qualities. Like, when you said she was honest? Maybe she can be too honest, you know, overshares, or maybe she's bad at making those little white lies to spare people's feelings. Something along those lines._

Plot twist idea: Benny bites teachers because she's a vampire, and she's trying to turn one of her teachers so she can have her own private vampire tutor. Ooh, another plot twist: it isn't working because she hasn't fully developed her vampire powers yet, and it's frustrating because every other vampire her age already have their powers. And another plot twist: she's allergic to peanut butter.

_How is that last one a plot twist?_

You weren't expecting it. That's why. But anyway, your thoughts on my plot twist ideas?

_Actually, not bad. I'm in shock. We'll table those for when we get into the plot outline. For now, though, I want to take a look at the section labeled "Skills"._

Oh boy! I worked really hard on that section.

_Obviously. It's eight pages long. And that's not necessarily a good thing._

Well, you know, Benny's a renaissance woman.

_To this degree, and at age twelve? Doubtful. For example: "She is proficient on the piano, violin, harp, trumpet, clarinet, flute, guitar..." And, the list goes on for the whole page. Also, you included "spoons", "empty milk jugs", and "cat". How the heck would you even play a cat?_

Same way you play a ferret, but higher.

_...You're a strange one, Kayak. Point being, do you really think it's even possible for a twelve-year-old to be proficient on that many instruments? Forget proficient; do you really think it's possible for a twelve-year-old to have any level of experience on that many instruments at all?_

My brother plays a lot of instruments.

_Your brother is also an adult and a music major. And even he doesn't play nearly this many instruments. Seriously? Cat?_

I feel like you're judging me.

_Look, feel free to let your character play an instrument. More than one, if they're the type of character who'd put that much time into their music lessons. But you have to stay within the realms of earthly possibility. Yes, even in a supernatural setting. The magic doesn't apply here.  
_

You are just the worst party pooper in the history of party poopers. And I suppose you're going to also take away her black belts in Kung Fu and Tae Kwon Do, and her gourmet cooking abilities, and her many horsemanship awards, and her published series of best-selling mystery novels, and her museum-quality artwork, and her hypnotic singing voice, and her medical degree, and her pilot's license.

_Yep._

So, what, my character isn't allowed to have any talents at all?

_I didn't say that. But, really, you have to limit her accomplishments to things that a human being of her age and background could actually be capable of accomplishing. Even the smartest and hardest-working twelve-year-old in the world couldn't have accomplished half of that._

I had some pretty big accomplishments by that age. I won the county spelling bee, you know.

_So I've heard. Now, let's move on to the "Background" part, shall we? A fascinating read, if I do say so myself. "When Benny was a newborn, she was mysteriously left in a basket on a doorstep in the dead of night."_

It could work. It worked for Harry Potter and Meet the Robinsons.

_Not saying it couldn't._

Then what was that look for?

_I didn't have a look. I don't exist._

Oh yeah. That fact really complicates my life.

_"The couple who took Benny in were unkind to her. Despite the fact that she was an absolute angel and tried her hardest to be a perfect daughter, they would hit her and insult her and - " What's that word? It's smudged._

"Flense". It's when you tear the skin off of something.

_Seriously? You went straight from "insulting her" to "ripping her skin off"?_

I cut to the chase.

_"After running away from home, Benny begins life on the streets. It's very difficult for her, but people help her by giving her food and such, so drawn to her are they by her aura of goodness. Despite this, no one in this modern and presumably urban or suburban setting offered shelter or got any sort of legal help like social services involved, and for some reason this struck absolutely no one as odd."_

I didn't write that last sentence, LD.

_I know. I did. Kayak, this is the twenty-first century. A kid living alone on the streets isn't nearly as easy to pull off as it was back in the days of Charles Dickens. It can be done, of course, but it takes a lot of work. You need to think about these sorts of things, provide an explanation for why the usual solutions don't work. Is she frightened of social services because they screwed her over previously, or something?_

Actually, I was kind of hoping we could just rely on the suspension of disbelief.

_A person's disbelief can only stretch so far. I mean, yes, a reader is happy to accept that there are merpeople and magic powers and mind demons in this world. But remember, Gravity Falls is set in twenty-first century America, in a universe where police officers exist. Don't try to stretch that disbelief too far, or it'll snap like a rubberband._

Fun fact: there is evidence to suggest that the Aztecs used rubber like rubber bands as early as 1600 BC.

_Kayak._

Right. Forgot. You hate fun.

_That's not... Look. My point is, you don't have to create a character who's just run-of-the-mill and average. But the things that set her apart should be things that are actually possible in the universe of the story. That applies to the character's history, their skills... speaking of which, the skills she has need to make sense. How would a person living on the streets be able to afford harp lessons or medical school?_

Magic?

_You can't just use that as a default explanation for everything. Here's your assignment, Kayak: go through this character profile and fix the problem spots. Round out Benny, get rid of the traits that aren't humanly possible, make her background story something that could actually happen in the setting._

Okay, okay. Will do. Oh, by the way. One of our readers suggested that we do a little crash course in the rules of grammar. And since that's a topic even I know about, I thought next time we might want to go over that.

_Wait, readers?_

Yeah. I'm posting all of these writing sessions online. Didn't you know?

_Wha - no, I did not! And I don't recall giving you permission to do it, either! This is, like, invasion of privacy or something! I can't believe -_

Whoops, sorry, it's getting kind of static-y. You're breaking up.

_We're not talking on the phone and I can see you right here!_

Kssch - I'm - sshkzz zkssch - going through a tunnel.

_Kayak!_

* * *

Special thanks to Anamaria Jovel, TheSnazzyScribe, crazyguitargirl, Constellation Temptation, The Word Nerd 424, Scarlet Scribe, Alisi Thorndyke, and Guest for you reviews!


	5. French Lick, Indiana

LD! Did you miss me?

_Kayak? Dang, I almost had forgotten what your voice sounds like... erm, what your font looks like, should I say. How long has it been? Two weeks? Three?_

Something like that. Been busy with the university counselor. Did you know that holding conversations with people who don't exist is apparently mentally unhealthy?

_Really? So, does this mean you're going to stop talking to me now?_

Of course not, silly!

_Shoot._

What?

_Um, I said, "Phew." I was sighing in relief._

Ah. Well, you'll be happy to know that, while looking to pass the time one night last week, around three in the morning, I went ahead and wrote out the first chapter of our story. I kinda stuck with my original idea of Dipper meeting Benny in the tourist group, but, bear with me here, I changed Benny's appearance to be less amazing - still kinda bitter about that - and I replaced Dipper's Tolstoy with Jerry Spinelli.

_Well, it's a start. I'll just take a look at - Kayak? Did you, ah, did you bother to proofread this thing before you gave it to me?_

Nope. See, that's the beauty of it. I wrote that thing at three in the morning, after having already taken sleeping pills that kicked in hours ago but was unable to sleep because of the non-existent sounds keeping me awake. When I woke up the next morning and remembered that I had written it, I figured it would be so full of errors that we could use it for our grammar crash-course thingimadoohickey.

_I see. You've certainly given us a lot to work with. Let's start with your opening sentence. "it was a swelteringly hot day in gravity falls, a day that kept dipper and mabel pines indoors, huddled together at the mystery shack's air conditioner."_

Ooh! Ooh! I know what's wrong with this thing! Oh, let me tell the readers, LD! Let me!

_Um, okay, go ahead._

No, you have to call on me, like you're a teacher.

_...Why?_

It's fun.

_It really isn't._

Please?

_Ugh, fine. PaperKayak?_

Yes! Okay, the major problem with this sentence is that there are no capital letters where letters are supposed to be capitalized. Although, in my defense this wasn't really a grammatical error so much as it was I was too tired to locate my shift key.

_Fascinating. But, yeah, you're right. There are two situations in which words should begin with a capital letter. The first is at the beginning of the sentence. This applies to every sentence. Go on, Kayak. Write an example sentence, any sentence, to show the readers that sentences start with capital letters._

Sometimes, I envy the peaceful and stress-free existence of canned peaches.

_Really? You could have gone with any sentence in the world, and that's the one you chose? Geez, at least try to make your examples Gravity Falls-themed. This is technically a Gravity Falls fic._

Sometimes, Pacifica envies the peaceful and stress-free existence of canned peaches.

_...Wow. So, yeah, as demonstrated, any sentence, no matter how, erm, unusual, begins with a capital letter. The other case in which the first letter of a word is capitalized is in the case of a proper noun._

For you readers out there who don't know, a proper noun is an old-timey British noun that wears a top hat and monocle and drinks tea with its pinky sticking out and never belches.

_I'm sorry, was that supposed to be a joke?_

Yes. I'm hilarious.

_For you readers who actually care, a proper noun is a name, and not just the names of people. The word "museum" is a common noun, and thus is not capitalized, but the phrase "Mystery Shack" is the name of a specific museum, so it gets capitalized. This goes for names of cities, countries, holidays, organizations, book titles, a whole lot of things, really. Kayak, an example sentence?_

Every September, Dipper and Mabel walk to the town of French Lick, Indiana, to watch movies at the Springs Theater, visit their friend Bob, and openly mock the town's hilarious name.

_I really wish you would stop talking to me about French Lick, Indiana._

But it's a town called French Lick! I mean, seriously, no one on the planning committee ever stopped to think, "Hey, maybe this is a really weird and somewhat creepy name for the place where I'm going to live for the rest of my life."

_Yes, fine, it's an amusing name. Although, that previous sentence reminds me of the second point I wanted to make. Dialogue. Here in the rough draft you wrote, you included the sentence: "have you ever felt a heat wave like this before" wendy asked. I figure we can skip the part about the horrendous lack of capital letters, since we already went through that. So, let's talk about how to format dialogue._

Right. So, dialogue should basically follow the same rules as writing normal sentences, what with the whole "capital letters" and "correct spelling" and junk. But there are a couple of differences. First, the quotation marks. Unless you're going for a sort-of Cormac McCarthy-style thingy, all spoken dialogue must be put in quotation marks, or, as I like to call them, "flying commas." Punctuation that is part of the dialogue also stays inside the flying commas.

_But, remember, the punctuation also sometimes changes for dialogue. Kayak?_

You're being surprisingly intelligent today, LD. See, dialogue has these things that come afterward called dialogue tags. Those are the things that are like: "said Dipper" or "asked Mabel" or "Stan yelled" or "whinnied Benny" because Benny is unique. When a dialogue tag pops up, you need to replace the period at the end of the sentence with a comma.

_Example._

"Benny, you are looking especially beautiful and unique today," sighed Dipper.

_I thought you were going to drop that whole "special snowflake" thing you had going for Benny._

Relax, LD, that was just for the example sentence. Don't get your knickers in a twist.

_Knickers?_

British is classy.

_Your opinion. Wanna explain to the viewers where the dialogue tag should go when there's lengthy dialogue, say, more than one sentence?_

Sure, LD. You know, it's nice that you're finally starting to recognize that I'm capable of handling a teaching moment. Anyway, yeah, more than one sentence. A good rule of thumb is to place the dialogue tag after the first sentence. For example:

"Benny, you are looking especially beautiful and unique today," sighed Dipper. "Have you ever been to French Lick, Indiana?"

However, this is up for stylistic change. Personally, I like to put the dialogue tag after wherever I first put a comma. I just like the flow. So, the above example would be changed to:

"Benny," sighed Dipper, "You are looking especially beautiful and unique today. Have you ever been to French Lick, Indiana?"

You could also switch that around to "Dipper sighed." It really doesn't make a difference. But, yeah, for longer bits of dialogue, keep it near the beginning. A tag thrown in at the very end is pretty jarring to readers.

_Wow, Kayak. You actually managed to seem sane and professional for five entire paragraphs._

I wonder if my nosehairs actually have a really interesting scent, but because they're in my nose I got used to it and don't smell it anymore.

_Aaaand, there it goes. Well, since we've already shown how the comma is used in dialogue, why don't we go ahead and explain the other uses of commas?_

Oh! Oh! I got this!

_Go ahead._

Okay. Let's see if I can remember them all. Commas are used to make lists, for joining separate clauses with a conjunction, to set off interjections, and to provide an interruption.

_Gee, you're awfully knowledgable when it comes to commas._

I've always been fond of them. In fact, my first ever imaginary friend was just a giant, floating comma with eyes. No mouth, though. I did enough talking for the both of us.

_I imagine so. So, the first one you mentioned, about how commas are used to make lists. Want to go ahead and give an example?_

Grunkle Stan's favorite pastimes include lying, cheating, stealing, and napping.

Some people don't like that comma that I put before the word "and." In the glamorous world of grammar biz, that comma before the "and" is known as the Oxford Comma. I like it, other people hate it. It can get pretty heated in grammar debates. I myself have personally beheaded four different people as a means of ending an argument about the Oxford Comma.

_...That was a joke, right?_

Would it make you feel more comfortable if I said yes?

_Moving on. The second use you mentioned involved joining two different clauses with a conjunction. To put that more simply, you can use a comma to join to phrases that could stand on their own as sentences, but work better joined by a word like "and" or "or" or "but". Example?_

Benny was extraordinarily beautiful, but Dipper loved her for what was on the inside.

_Not going to comment. Go ahead and give an example of how to set off interjections with commas._

Wow, Benny sure is beautiful. Gee, I wish I could be as beautiful as her. Goodness gracious, no one in French Lick is as beautiful as Benny.

_Okay, you really need to expand your reference pool. But, meh, at least you were grammatically correct. Explain the next one, the one about the interruptions._

All right. Basically, this is when you need to include information into the sentence that doesn't necessarily flow with the simple sentence structure. For example:

Benny, who was incredibly beautiful, had the singing voice of an angel.

In some cases you might use dashes in place of the commas, or, in rare cases, parentheses. But, yeah, see above for how you do that little stunt.

_But these aren't the only uses of commas, right, Kayak?_

Oh, heck no. Commas are pretty flexible little critters. There are too many uses to name, and honestly, barring the ones listed above, a lot of them are just a style choice. For those starting out, though, I'd say a good rule is to place a comma where it feels natural to pause. I mean, it's a little more complicated than just that, but that's a good starting point for learning.

_All right, commas are covered. Let's see if you could explain some more punctuation marks in our... rapid-fire round!_

Yippee!

_First: the question mark._

Easy. You use it at the end of a question. Example:

Was Grunkle Stan born in French Lick, Indiana?

_Correct. Now, the exclamation point._

To show shouting, or speaking with great emphasis or enthusiasm. Only use it in dialogue, except in extremely super-duper rare cases. Example:

"I love you, Benny!" Dipper shouted, which was rather a silly thing to do because Benny wasn't there and also he was in a library.

_The parentheses._

An aside, adding extra information that doesn't fit the flow of the sentence. Usually reserved for formal writing. When you're writing a story, probably better just to use commas.

_The apostrophe._

Two major uses. First, to take the place of letters that were removed to form conjunctions, like can't or I've or that's or shouldn't. Still on that note, it replaces any removed letters, even if it doesn't form a contraction, like in, " 'Ello, guv'ner!"

The second is to show possession. Most words can be made possessive simply by adding an apostrophe and the letter S. For example:

Mabel's favorite ice cream flavor is happiness.

_I... didn't quite understand that sentence._

No commentary, LD. This is the rapid fire round.

_Oh, right. Uh, the semicolon._

Ooh, the semicolon! Remember, kids, the semicolon is not just a fancy comma. It's mainly used to join two sentences together to indicate a close relationship, BUT it doesn't use conjunctions. A sentence with a semicolon may look something like this:

Soos is allergic to strawberries; when he eats them, his legs fall off.

See, the semicolon is used IN PLACE OF a conjunction. If you master the art of the semicolon, you are guaranteed to both appear super-fancy, and to attract swarms of the opposite gender begging to date you. Or same gender, if you swing that way. Point is, people admire the semicolon. The semicolon could be your best friend or your worst enemy. The semicolon is all powerful. The semicolon is all-knowing. Cower before the semicolon.

_Um, Kayak?_

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY SEMICOLON!

_Kayak?_

KNEEL BEFORE IT!

_French Lick._

... Heh.

_Right. Maybe, we should get off the topic of punctuation for the time being. Oh, nearly forgot! Side note to the apostrophe thing. Most words need an apostrophe to be made possessive, but not pronouns. So, words like "its" or "hers" don't have a semicolon. I see that mistake made a lot with "its". Without the apostrophe, it means, "belonging to it." With the apostrophe, it means "it is" or "it has." Very different._

Oh, come on. That's just a little mistake. It's not their fault that so many words in English sound so similar. I mean, sometimes, that makes spelling really difficult. Not for me, though. I won the county spelling bee.

_So I've heard. But I think we should probably cover the types of words that people mix up a lot, don't you?_

Yawn.

_We could do it as another rapid-fire round._

...You have my attention.

_Ready? Go! To, too, and two!_

There were only enough seats on the bus for two people to go to French Lick, Indiana, but Soos wanted to go too.

_They're, their, and there!_

Dipper and Mabel forgot their toothbrushes when they packed for Gravity Falls, but they're planning to buy new ones when they get there.

_Ew. Um, affect and effect!_

The loud sound effects in all those action movies were starting to affect Wendy's hearing.

_Definitely and defiantly!_

Grunkle Stan was definitely starting to hate the cat that stood defiantly on the doorstep, refusing to move.

_Accept and except!_

Pacifica loves to accept gifts, except those that come from poor people.

_Foreword and forward!_

Dipper looked forward to reading the foreword of the book he'd just bought.

_Loose and lose!_

Mabel would sometimes lose her shoe if the shoelaces were too loose.

_Board and bored!_

Grunkle Stan was feeling very bored after spending five hours staring at a wooden board.

_Set and sat!_

Stan set his beer on the table and then sat in his recliner to watch TV.

_Lay and laid!_

Mabel laid a blanket on the grass before she lay down to watch the clouds.

_By, buy, and bye!_

Robbie thought that buying flowers and standing by Wendy's house would make her forgive him, but she told him it was time to say bye.

_Congratulations! You got them all in record time!_

Woo hoo! What's my prize?

_Um... my admiration?_

That's a really sucky prize, LD.

_Whatever. At least we taught the readers a lot of new things about grammar today. Any other rules we need to add, Kayak?_

Hmm. Oh, paragraphs!

_Oh, yeah, nearly forgot! Start a new paragraph every time there's either a change in subject matter, or dialogue comes from a new speaker. Normally, you show a new paragraph by indenting the first line, but online, you normally just skip a line. Well, I think that covers everything we need to cover._

I dunno. I still feel kinda empty. Maybe it's because there weren't as many jokes in this chapter as there were in the others.

_Well, there's nothing we can do about - oh, no, God, no. I know what you're thinking, Kayak, and we are not going to do -_

Rapid-fire bad jokes! I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, and I just can't put it down!

_Kayak._

When a clock goes hungry, it goes back four seconds!

_Please stop._

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it!

_This is physically hurting me._

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own? Because it was two tired!

_Someone help._

I saw a show in the theater all about the dictionary. It was a play on words.

_I swear to God -_

One more. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool!

_... Are you done?_

I'm done.

_Good. Try to get the rest of your puns out of your system before we meet up again. I don't care if I'm just a literary device; I will stab you, and it will hurt._

Okay, okay, message received. Oh, by the way, LD?

_Yes?_

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time-consuming.

_I hate you so much._

* * *

Special thanks to AnamariaJovel, awesomenesshasar, Constellation Temptation, The Word Nerd 42, Obvious Ghost, MyLittleWanderOverGravityFalls, and Ender Falls for your reviews!

Sorry it's been so long. That thing up there about the university counselor was only a half-joke. I've been working through what may end up being a diagnosis of schizophrenia. Never even thought of it before, because it's not anything like the way it's portrayed in the movies. Life lesson: sometimes, Hollywood lies. Yes, I'm just as shocked as you.

Oh, and Ender Falls? Yes, feel free to use that story idea. I dare you.


End file.
